I named this page "In The Trenches with Dating and Relationships" because, in all honesty, it's tough out there, folks.  Getting help with these issues (and, quite frankly, the development of a psychological 'flak helmet' in order to survive dating) is often a huge part of why people come to see me in the first place. 

You know what?  I'm right there with you.  I've been single when I didn't want to be.  I've had frustrating experiences.  I've done online dating.  I've wondered what I'm doing wrong.  I've speculated endlessly late at night about what it takes to find love.  I wrote this piece, which appeared on News Taco and Jezebel, about some of my experiences as a woman of color navigating the online dating experience.  I wish I could tell you that I have some kind of easy answer as a woman and healer and therapist about how it all works--that I could just sell you an ebook or a podcast download that would solve all of your relationship problems and issues, TODAY.  As you can see, I don't have any such product available here. 

So maybe there are two things to talk about here:  "dating," that great undefined soup, and relationships.  They are not separate in my view, but in the general culture it seems like there's a massive effort to somehow separate it:  dating isn't serious, relationships are.  So:  the first question you have to ask yourself is, "Am I a 'dating' person or a 'relationship' person?"  In other words, are you looking to connect and grow with someone, or just to have a fun time for a short period?  The answer to this question determines how you can best handle yourself and how to make better choices.  You're going to do much better by looking for people who want what you want.  And if you don't know what you want, that's where counseling might help.  What won't work, for sure, is running back and forth between thinking you want something casual or something more committed and acting on those ambivalent desires.  Basically, you have to sort that out before you can get going the right way with someone else. 

I would also add that it's essential that when dating you exercise good judgment, self protective skills, good boundaries and common sense.  You have to be willing to be assertive, inquisitive, clear, and grounded.  If you came from a family where these skills were not modeled or taught, I can help you with that.  There's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of in any of that.  You can learn what you need to learn, and for your own sake, you should.

The simple truth is, relationships are living, active processes that bring all our STUFF to the surface and ask that we look at it.  When our STUFF emerges and we're in a relationship, we then have two tasks:  to engage with our stuff, and to engage with the relationship.  It can get quite complex and overwhelming, and that's where therapy can help.  This can happen when the process is going well, but honestly, I usually meet people when it's not going so well.  Relationships are not end points or static goalposts.  They are dynamic and reflect the health or lack thereof of all parties involved.  They require a lot of attention and care, like flowers. 

It seems to me that in an era of online dating and chat rooms and hooking up, a lot of people have fallen into the misconception that relationships are easily had, easily discarded, inconsequential, and replaceable.  I don't encourage this kind of world view in my clientele because I've seen again and again that it's not true in terms of our actual experience.  Most of us are biologically hardwired to want sustaining and loving relationships in our lives, even though they may not be romantic.  There are certainly people who don't fall into this group but I generally don't see them in counseling because they are not suffering from their choices.  I tend to see the ones who do want loving relationships and don't know how to find, create, or sustain them.  Make sense? 

So if I don't have easy answers, where does that leave us?  As fellow travelers on a mysterious road.  There are things all good relationships need:  Connection.  Trust.  Communication.  Restraint. Respect.  Altrusim.  Kindness.  Warmth.  Willingness.  These things take time to build and time to sustain.  They're beautiful things.  They don't run on the schedule of our Blackberry or day planner. 

However, as far as I can tell, love has never been obedient to the egoic dictates of our time or convenience.  And that seems to be a part of its greater, wider lesson in our lives.